Lesson learnt

bunny in a pot

Please be aware, I am a crazy hormonal mess, read at own risk:

This week has been trying for me,   we are 10 weeks Monday just been and this is a huge achievement and I am thrilled, but the week has been trying.

Let’s start from the beginning.  We told my DH’s family we were pregnant this week, we didn’t tell them how we got pregnant, just that we were.  We have decided that we will tell them in person when we see them later in the year, and as they live overseas they haven’t been around to know any different.  You never get much out of DH’s mum, whereas my family cried, and screamed with joy and jumped around, we got a (translated) well done in monotone and that they had expected the call soon.  Eehh whatever, I’m pregnant for us not for them, and my family give me the laughs and positivity I need so although I know they are pleased and happy for us, I can live without the hoopla from them.

I married into another culture, and with this come compromises.  I know this, but what I struggle with is that it always seems to be me compromising for them, it never seems to be them compromising for me.  I struggle with this sometimes.  When it is little things I can shrug them off for the benefit of DH, but this week they managed to crawl under my skin and set up camp.    Literally 24 hours after we told them the most exciting news of our lives, they rang us asking for a substantial “loan”, with the intention to apparently pay us back.  Usually I would not have lost my shit over this but in my “culture” asking this kind of thing when you have just been informed of some life changing news seems so incredibly selfish and insulting, I could barely comprehend it was true.   The other issue is the person wanting to borrow means nothing to me at all and she already owes us cash from the last time we bailed her out.  The only thing I have heard all week is that we must do it because its family and its cultural.  Well, what about my culture? What about the fact that in my “culture” we help if we can and if it’s an emergency but people who stuff us over previously then expect us to jump when they say jump even at a crucial part of our own lives would be put to shame!   I stood my ground a refused and this penetrated DH and my relationship.  I am also unsure why we were targeted; did I mention this person is just an Aunty? There is a sister (DH’s mum) and DH has a brother, so why just us? Why if this was so bloody important didn’t all three member of this frickin family put in? You know, share the burden?  I am sure this will never be answered!

So after 5 days of crap, I was backed into a corner and transferred my savings to another person, so they could be relaxed and happy.  I might be 10 weeks pregnant but apparently that is not important enough.  But get this, when DH told this person we had done it, we had transferred the cash, she promised to send me a present, a case of wine! CAN YOU FRICKIN BELIEVE IT! I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING PREGNANT!  I don’t want a present! I want you to piss off and give me my saving back!

So now I wait, (cue pregnancy hormones);  when or if the money is not repaid, I will never see his family again, I will stand firm, I will never take our child to their home country, I will not allow them in my house, I will make life so difficult they will regret ever pissing me off to begin with.    We have an overseas trip planned in three and a half weeks which includes a stop at his home town; I will not go unless this is sorted.  Blah, all over money, it’s stupid, but I can’t shake how unfair they are being putting us in this situation.

To add to this stress, last week I had a day of extreme weird pain; it was on and off but intense.  I saw my FS and they did a quick scan.  Bunny  was perfect and had  grown heaps since last scan so that was reassuring, but my FS believes the surgeons who did my lap for endo 8 years ago may have left something in my abdo at the belly button incision site.  WTF?  Nice, nice, nice.  Only me I guess.  Pain got so bad that night I was very nearly trundled off to ED.  However, being a nurse I was not going! I will refuse a GA to explore the site so what is the point? If Bunny is fine I will and can cope.  The next day pain was gone and hasn’t come back. So all good hopefully!

We have decided to stay with our FS as he is also an OBS, we have booked into the private hospital and today had a scan and bloods etc ready for the 12 ½ week scan for NT screening coming up.  While waiting at the hospital pathology for the blood tests (second lot today) a young girl came in, obviously suffering some form of cancer.  She looked exhausted and sick, and I had to stop and think despite the shit that DH’s family is putting us through, my god I am lucky.  Yes we had a tough time getting to where we are, but I am happy and pregnant and I am not that girl, I was the girl with an infertile husband.  I didn’t want to feel sorry for her; I wanted to transfer strength and fight.  I fought for this pregnancy, I did the meds, the operations, the heart ache, I just wanted her to know that I fought and she can too, like she most probably is.  She was in an out quickly as she is a priority and seen immediately, as she should be! This was a public clinic and there were people everywhere likely carrying all kinds of bugs, she shouldn’t have been there at all really.  I hope she is fighting, I hope that her life is going to get better; I hope she froze some eggs so life doesn’t kick her in the guts again should she want children in the future.

Back to bunny and our app, Little Bunny was wriggling away on the screen and measured perfectly with a strong heartbeat.  What a beautiful sight.   So we did it, we have made it to week ten, I have learnt to never expect anything but BS from DH family, and take comfort in the fact my family never put me under such strain.

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How do you look beyond the cloud?

 

 

How do you do it?

 

 

I am currently trying to learn how to live each day normally? I realise this sounds very odd, so let me explain.

Ladies or couples going thru IVF and infertility have a cloud hanging over their heads every second of the day. Do you remember in university the feeling of weight or a dark cloud that sat upon your shoulders all semester and was only lifted after your final exam? Imagine that feeling amplified by the single fact that you aren’t worried about an assignment or your next mark, you are worried if the life you have just created is still in fact a life.

I will not digress into when is a life considered a life, I happen to be pro-choice. However, if I was to find out the little life created recently in a petri dish, in a lab, with the one selective sperm they were able to find that looked perfect, and with the most mature and healthy egg I produced was over, I would be devastated. That 8 cell emby that they popped into me only a few weeks ago is my baby, it is our baby, it is a life with the help of our Dr’s and clinic and lab tech and all the supportive people who we have told have helped create.

So how do you live with this weight upon your shoulders? My husband recently said he was proud of me for not, as he put it’ “losing my shit” during this time. It made me think, “How am I not losing my shit?” My gen Y, OCD, perfectionist personality doesn’t usually cope in these circumstances. My usual coping mechanism consists of, full flung meltdown mode, break everything and everyone in my path and then rapidly put an action plan in place to gain all control back. But, when it comes to this, it is out of my control. I can eat healthy, I can do limited exercise, I can google my little heart out, I can try and get more sleep but nothing can be done to force my HCG levels up. Nothing can be done to ensure the life is still living.

Last week I had a blood test of Tuesday that showed a massive jump 318 to 1700 HCG. The nurses at the clinic were very happy and everything was calm. I then had a repeat test on Thursday, expecting my levels to continue to double I was shocked when they had only gone up by 1000. 1700 to 2700. The nurses didn’t seem too concerned and stated that levels do slow but they wanted to see me in a week for a repeat test anyway. I was nervous, I had serious pain on the Wednesday night (see previous blog) I want my levels to be thru the roof, I want them to be higher than expected every time! Going back to my Gen Y personality, I want everything now and want it to be perfect.   I didn’t get this result and to make matters worse my one or two symptoms I did have DISAPEARED two days later! That’s two days now with nothing!

Time line:

Twinges and cramps regularly since day 15 post transfer

  • Twinges and sensitive bbs not constant but regular
  • Sharp pain (assumed MC) last Wednesday approx. day 22 post transfer
  • Bloods only go up by a thousand between Tuesday and Thursday (pain Wednesday)
  • CUE FREAK OUT!
  • Sunday/Monday this week, bbs stop hurting, one or two little twinges nothing much!
  • CUE SECOND FREAK OUT
  • Queasiness yesterday and today- I assumed it was anxiety
  • Bloods booked for Thursday 8th,
  • Can’t wait! MUST GET BLOODS NOW! (OCD) Tuesday!

 

Bloods back this afternoon and I am very thankful for the clinic calling as soon as they got the results in rather than waiting until later and making me fight with the other 100 women and reception trying to get results.

        HCG 10’000

 

The life still lives!

Now, how to live until the next blood test in a week?

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already

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The green light! when hope returns

I don’t know about you, but when I want something, I find it difficult to think about anything else.  These three months we put several things into action.

  1. DH on his vitamins
  2. Regular exercise for me and whenever I could drag DH out of OT
  3. Better sleeping patterns
  4. NO/ decreased alcohol
  5. Continue eating healthy

We had been told that there was a potential for swimmer numbers in all areas could drastically increase with the above changes and vitamins.  So we were hopeful that we would have an amazing jump up in numbers and our TTC journey would end with a positive naturally conceived miracle!

Nope!

We had moved states so this meant potentially we would have to start from the beginning, I got a referral, and as luck would have it the Specialist I had picked unexpectedly did a day a month at my new work for his public appearance! YES! I was down that corridor as he walked in the door! :” Hello, I am your new colleague and patient, make me a baby!”  Thankfully he had a sense of humour and said, “ok, now or in a bit?”  I got in to see him within two weeks!

 

As I walked in with DH the FS said I looked like a women on a mission! I think he must have known messing with a Surgeon his baby hungry wife was not really an option! He patiently went thru all our previous tests and did the obligatory we could, maybe, possibly, try this other stuff first, but in the end he openly stated what we already knew, ICSI was our only real option!

So I walked out of there with the green light! Being the over obsessed, super organised nut case I am I had actually already booked my first clinic app. But now I could beg/negotiate for an earlier app. Which we got! (I should be in politics).

 A week later we were there, and by we, I mean me, DH was naturally stuck saving someone’s life in OT while I was trying to make one.  He is always there at crunch time which is great, but its times like this when I wonder what it would be like to have him working in an office with flexible hours and non-life saving callouts!  But then I remember the man he is and just think, there is no way he would be happy firstly, surgery is his absolute passion, and secondly how incredibly selfish I am sometimes, he is an incredible surgeon, the kind you would want looking after your nanna or baby! You know the Doctors that even the Nurses in theatre or on the wards say, “oh thank god he’s on today”; you know that the patients will be looked after with 100% attention.  But, this means I have to share.

Into the clinic a week later, paper work done, everything signed and first payment made, now it was just a matter of when can we start!  The head Nurse at the clinic was professional and seemed to understand my apparent urgency to commence treatment.  She made a comment “oh, you’re not a nurse are you”, aaahhh YES I am! This got things moving lol.  Bloods done in between signing consents and explaining the plan, my god I better have not missed this cycle!

Ladies going thru this kind of TTC journey will understand that often the wait to start a new cycle is worse than the TWW to test for a (+).   You have nothing to do but wait and wait and wait. Awful!  After leaving the clinic with first meds in hand just in case I can start this cycle I went to work to wait for the phone call.

 

5 hours later the nurse called! “We caught you just in time” (well I caught myself just in time by re-arranging appointments, but ok, well done) I was instructed to start the first meds Friday! A mere two days away! YES!