What a weekend

 

I left you the night before second round bloods. I have to admit my anxiety levels were thru the roof!  Having no control over something as important as making a family is awful! I felt completly useless and being the A type Leo personality I am, (also genY) I cannot stand this feeling! I have to use every will power I have to not knock the heads off all i come across!

I want control, its the only way I can take a step back, breath and enjoy what ever else is happening in life.  I found myself so wrapped up in this infertility cycle that I am forgetting that the earth is still spinning around me.  I am living one blood test to the next, one scan to the next, one phone call to the next. Its tiring….

 

There is so much out of your control when you are cycling. One minute you feel good, positive, happy the next your feeling sick, tired super emotional. I went for bloods Saturday morning and the nurse scared me more. She was only trying to be helpful and honest, and I know this, but no one wants news if it isn’t good! Waiting, waiting, “surely my E2 levels can’t jump that high over night?” got the call, 15000 up from 9000 CRAP! Its high the nurse said but not too high! The stress levels start to level out and I am confirmed to trigger sat night. That’s two ovideral shots! Theses shots hurt! It’s like a thick gel pushing into your skin! Thank god these aren’t IM injections!

 

I now have a drug free Sunday! It’s nice to not have my “meds” alarm scream at me at 6:30am then at 7:30 am then again in the night! But I feel like I am carrying around to giant bags of grapes on each ovary! I am heavy, bloated, tired, emotional, and anxious! Anything else?   Monday comes and I am nervous and excited, I just want these things out now! I want to feel like myself again. My Aunty/BFF came to stay with us to help me out and be the Support person/responsible adult post-surgery for me which was such a blessing. There was so much going on both emotionally and physically and DH had his own appointments he had to attend so he couldn’t be there for me too! The EPU was fairly stress free, gowned up like a clown and placed on the table, drip and fluids in, doctors and nurses all around. At this clinic the use sedation but not a GA, I actually expected twilight sedation, the one where you are kind of awake but might not feel too much. The last thing I remember is the nurse putting the stirrups on the bed and someone saying “is she still with us?

Woke up, cold and groggy in recovery, BP in my boots but a nurse telling me to” drink this tea”. I was out and on the way to my home and bed in 25 minutes. The whole thing only taking a one and half hours or so.

 

So long story short, DH was successful, I was being nursed at home and sleeping the drugs away.

13 eggs

BY Tuesday 9 fertilized

By Wednesday 8 progressing well!

Hopefully tomorrow will be transfer day! And maybe a few frosties for next cycles and/or more bubs!

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Nothing ever goes smoothly!

I have had 10 days of stimming now, I was meant to have EPU today (Friday) but my doctor said “the longer you can stim for the better the outcome” so I was pushed to stim for longer. I now have EPU Monday 7th. They have been doing two daily bloods and scans and my results were looking awesome!

Scan 1 Monday-21 follicles, E2 2010

Scan 2 Wednesday-19 follicles E2 4110

Scan 3 Friday- 19 follicles with likely a couple hiding all ranging from 16mm to 20mm BUT E2 9000

The clinic called, they said I need extra bloods done tomorrow. The nurse did say this was just a precaution to be extra safe and she didn’t believe anything would be cancelled. i.e fresh day three transfer, but if my bloods seriously elevate by tomorrow morning then it will be a freeze all!

SHIT!

I know this isn’t that bad, I have beautiful follicles that are maturing well, so there is every chance I will get some gorgeous eggs, but I want a fresh transfer next week! I really don’t want to have to wait another cycle for even the possibility of being UTD! Any idea followers or readers? The forum I chat with all suggest it is unlikely ill get cancelled and they said some of them had much higher levels and this possibility wasn’t even discussed….. this gives me hope but I have no experience in this, and I hate it when I can’t control everything!

Will I get a fresh transfer?? Only time will tell I guess! Bloods tomorrow morning! Will know by 1pm. But trigger Saturday night 8pm without fail! Only 4 more needles to go!

Ticket please, a direct line if possible!

 

 

 

The roller coaster that is assisted conception has successful rolled over the first hill!

10 days of syranel nasal spray and my nose hurts, I’m flat as a tack, bloated, emotional and headaches pounding thru my brain despite 3 litres of water a day! Apart from one massive evening of uncountable tears I have only shed the odd few!

A huge part of this journey is waiting without knowledge. What I mean by this is, your miracle is only a few massive hurdles/loops/mountains away but at the base of each hill there is a hurdle that you cannot jump without your tests coming back as they should. I had the first hurdle while waiting for my bloods tests 12 days ago to find out if I could start. This was reliant on finding out if I had ovulated and that my oestrogen was on the way down. I had the blood test then I waited, there was no way of knowing, I felt no different to any other month, I had no ability to control this. Yesterday I had my 10 days on medication/cycle day 2 bloods. This was the next hurdle. I was seriously worried the meds weren’t working; I had no knowledge or way of knowing that they were. Yes, I had side effects but I was also leading up to AF.

Clinic day, I was up and there by 7:30am, I thought this was early and there would be very few people there. NO, how very wrong I was. The place was packed, and how incredibly depressing.   Most of us needing support and people to bounce ideas off write blogs or join support forums,   yet true to social media outlets we can open up and discuss intimate details online but enter a room full of women going thru exactly the same thing and do you think we can talk to each other? You could hear crickets in this room! I was so sad; I even tried to smile at a few ladies that were coming in. Sit here, talk to me….. Silence. Oh how depressing..

The nurses were buzzing around, ladies coming in and out in different states of distress, happiness, confusion etc the raw emotions in this room was extreme. Maybe that’s why we couldn’t talk to each other or barely notice the other women’s existence. We were all in some state of desperate despair to get our miracles and to stop completely breaking down in the middle of a packed waiting room, this required intense focus!

Finally I was called in, I was expecting to be rushed in and out but the nurse was kind, patient, and didn’t seem to be aware of the bursting waiting room. I appreciated this. Bloods were taken and we discussed the barriers to the next step. As much as I try I am unable to be the glass half full person. I was to know all the bad stuff first in order to prepare. Several barriers could jump out. Firstly, pregnant, (unlikely considering I’m on cycle day 2 and WHY NOW?) and also the one I was most stressed out, my oestrogen not at baseline also known as not responding to the meds.

I was given the next round of medications and showed how to inject myself, the dose and the plan just in case everything was perfect and I could start.  I left and went to work to wait the long 6 hours until I could call for results.

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 2:30pm and I was on the phone!

The nurse said and I quote, “wow, you can start tomorrow” sorry? Wow? “Yes your levels are very low, you responded very well to the medication”. No wonder I felt flat I barely had any oestrogen left!

Good news, thank goodness! I finally felt like I could breathe! The meds were in the nurses fridge at work, hiding in the back out of sight and my little IVF train chugging along added some more coal and repeated “I think I can, I think I can”

The green light! when hope returns

I don’t know about you, but when I want something, I find it difficult to think about anything else.  These three months we put several things into action.

  1. DH on his vitamins
  2. Regular exercise for me and whenever I could drag DH out of OT
  3. Better sleeping patterns
  4. NO/ decreased alcohol
  5. Continue eating healthy

We had been told that there was a potential for swimmer numbers in all areas could drastically increase with the above changes and vitamins.  So we were hopeful that we would have an amazing jump up in numbers and our TTC journey would end with a positive naturally conceived miracle!

Nope!

We had moved states so this meant potentially we would have to start from the beginning, I got a referral, and as luck would have it the Specialist I had picked unexpectedly did a day a month at my new work for his public appearance! YES! I was down that corridor as he walked in the door! :” Hello, I am your new colleague and patient, make me a baby!”  Thankfully he had a sense of humour and said, “ok, now or in a bit?”  I got in to see him within two weeks!

 

As I walked in with DH the FS said I looked like a women on a mission! I think he must have known messing with a Surgeon his baby hungry wife was not really an option! He patiently went thru all our previous tests and did the obligatory we could, maybe, possibly, try this other stuff first, but in the end he openly stated what we already knew, ICSI was our only real option!

So I walked out of there with the green light! Being the over obsessed, super organised nut case I am I had actually already booked my first clinic app. But now I could beg/negotiate for an earlier app. Which we got! (I should be in politics).

 A week later we were there, and by we, I mean me, DH was naturally stuck saving someone’s life in OT while I was trying to make one.  He is always there at crunch time which is great, but its times like this when I wonder what it would be like to have him working in an office with flexible hours and non-life saving callouts!  But then I remember the man he is and just think, there is no way he would be happy firstly, surgery is his absolute passion, and secondly how incredibly selfish I am sometimes, he is an incredible surgeon, the kind you would want looking after your nanna or baby! You know the Doctors that even the Nurses in theatre or on the wards say, “oh thank god he’s on today”; you know that the patients will be looked after with 100% attention.  But, this means I have to share.

Into the clinic a week later, paper work done, everything signed and first payment made, now it was just a matter of when can we start!  The head Nurse at the clinic was professional and seemed to understand my apparent urgency to commence treatment.  She made a comment “oh, you’re not a nurse are you”, aaahhh YES I am! This got things moving lol.  Bloods done in between signing consents and explaining the plan, my god I better have not missed this cycle!

Ladies going thru this kind of TTC journey will understand that often the wait to start a new cycle is worse than the TWW to test for a (+).   You have nothing to do but wait and wait and wait. Awful!  After leaving the clinic with first meds in hand just in case I can start this cycle I went to work to wait for the phone call.

 

5 hours later the nurse called! “We caught you just in time” (well I caught myself just in time by re-arranging appointments, but ok, well done) I was instructed to start the first meds Friday! A mere two days away! YES!

The first plan of action!

So long story short, month after month of getting my hopes up only for AF to show. Negative after negative!

I am too young for this! Being a nurse I naturally start thinking the worse! And of course, I think it’s all me! I am infertile, my husband will leave me, I can’t produce a child, that’s it what’s the point, can we adopt? Can we do IVF?

OMG the things in my head! Then the depression sinks in, I wasn’t working at the time as we were travelling for husbands work.  I was lonely, sad and infertile (or so I thought).

We then settled in a spot for a few months so I got myself into gear and got a referral to a fertility specialist.  I decided that with this spare time I should at least try to get all the tests done so if there was anything I could possibly do to correct this situation I knew about it now!

DH was reluctant at first but quickly got on board as I think he could see my spirits lift a bit with a plan in place.  That doesn’t mean we had it easy sailing, my emotions were such a mess I could barely hold a sentence. Poor guy, I don’t think I gave him enough credit for putting up with my disaster of a mental health crisis.  So off we went to the Doctors, got all the tests done.

Bloods, ultrasounds, more bloods, SA for hubby.  (This nearly divorced us, he is not a natural self-pleaser so it was a tough day for both of us, funny to laugh at now tho!) Then it was a wait for results and another app…. Well results are in, I am fine, and doing everything I should be, no problems.  But DH not so good.   Ummmmm I hadn’t even considered this?  It took a few minutes to sink in, DH looked confused, and I was stunned. I was fine, all this worry and now I have to worry about DH? WHAT?   Turns out it wasn’t terrible but low morphology isn’t a great! 3% are you kidding? Dr. says “look you guys are moving around, take theses vitamins and keep trying for three more months”

Not cool! Not happy with that but no choice! Hhmm

Well three months later and of course nothing!