How do you look beyond the cloud?

 

 

How do you do it?

 

 

I am currently trying to learn how to live each day normally? I realise this sounds very odd, so let me explain.

Ladies or couples going thru IVF and infertility have a cloud hanging over their heads every second of the day. Do you remember in university the feeling of weight or a dark cloud that sat upon your shoulders all semester and was only lifted after your final exam? Imagine that feeling amplified by the single fact that you aren’t worried about an assignment or your next mark, you are worried if the life you have just created is still in fact a life.

I will not digress into when is a life considered a life, I happen to be pro-choice. However, if I was to find out the little life created recently in a petri dish, in a lab, with the one selective sperm they were able to find that looked perfect, and with the most mature and healthy egg I produced was over, I would be devastated. That 8 cell emby that they popped into me only a few weeks ago is my baby, it is our baby, it is a life with the help of our Dr’s and clinic and lab tech and all the supportive people who we have told have helped create.

So how do you live with this weight upon your shoulders? My husband recently said he was proud of me for not, as he put it’ “losing my shit” during this time. It made me think, “How am I not losing my shit?” My gen Y, OCD, perfectionist personality doesn’t usually cope in these circumstances. My usual coping mechanism consists of, full flung meltdown mode, break everything and everyone in my path and then rapidly put an action plan in place to gain all control back. But, when it comes to this, it is out of my control. I can eat healthy, I can do limited exercise, I can google my little heart out, I can try and get more sleep but nothing can be done to force my HCG levels up. Nothing can be done to ensure the life is still living.

Last week I had a blood test of Tuesday that showed a massive jump 318 to 1700 HCG. The nurses at the clinic were very happy and everything was calm. I then had a repeat test on Thursday, expecting my levels to continue to double I was shocked when they had only gone up by 1000. 1700 to 2700. The nurses didn’t seem too concerned and stated that levels do slow but they wanted to see me in a week for a repeat test anyway. I was nervous, I had serious pain on the Wednesday night (see previous blog) I want my levels to be thru the roof, I want them to be higher than expected every time! Going back to my Gen Y personality, I want everything now and want it to be perfect.   I didn’t get this result and to make matters worse my one or two symptoms I did have DISAPEARED two days later! That’s two days now with nothing!

Time line:

Twinges and cramps regularly since day 15 post transfer

  • Twinges and sensitive bbs not constant but regular
  • Sharp pain (assumed MC) last Wednesday approx. day 22 post transfer
  • Bloods only go up by a thousand between Tuesday and Thursday (pain Wednesday)
  • CUE FREAK OUT!
  • Sunday/Monday this week, bbs stop hurting, one or two little twinges nothing much!
  • CUE SECOND FREAK OUT
  • Queasiness yesterday and today- I assumed it was anxiety
  • Bloods booked for Thursday 8th,
  • Can’t wait! MUST GET BLOODS NOW! (OCD) Tuesday!

 

Bloods back this afternoon and I am very thankful for the clinic calling as soon as they got the results in rather than waiting until later and making me fight with the other 100 women and reception trying to get results.

        HCG 10’000

 

The life still lives!

Now, how to live until the next blood test in a week?

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already

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ROMANCE AND SCIENCE- DO THE TWO MIX???

Romance and science- do the two mix?

 

This week has been the agonising wait since our single day three 8 cell transfer last Thursday. My E2 levels were ok, and I felt like an entire building had been lifted off my shoulders and all the furniture taken out thru my EPU procedure. Actually to be brutally honest, I felt like a giant bloated chicken going in to lay a thousand bloody eggs in one go! Appealing no?

I was feeling better physically and emotionally aswell, the dreadful bloating was easing, my mood was a little more stable perhaps, and the IVF acne was minimally better. However the two week wait or two week torture as preferred in the IF forum world began the day the perfect little 8 cell embryo was transferred.

 

The doctor told me they selected the best looking one (from a selection of 5) at day 3 to be transferred so if the others make it this one should too. The others would be frozen at the blast stage day 5 if they made it. We had 4 make it to blast stage as perfect grade 1s so this was promising. Since then you are subjected to a few more blood tests to check your levels and ensure you are getting enough progesterone support. After a stim cycle it’s like your body forgets what to do, so you require all this monitoring and extra meds to be taken to support a possible pregnancy should it be successful. This for me was disgusting progesterone pesseries.

 

This is where the heading to this blog makes sense. Under no circumstances does science and romance mix, I feel so disgusting that even the idea is upsetting! This is not good I might just add, normally a very physical couple I am struggle street with the luck of lust I currently have! DH is very supportive and actually he put a stop to all things romantic before I did (hhmmph) but I still don’t appreciate the lack of drive these meds are giving me!

 

The wait is nearly over tho; tomorrow (Thursday) I have my very first and very early hcg test to see if anything is happening at all. The test will be repeated on Saturday just in case it is too early or to see if the number doubles but I am not holding out much hope.

In the wait to see if the IVF fresh transfer was successful you cant test, the reason is usually the trigger shot from a week or so ago stays in your system and will give you a false positive, also the progesterone gives you all the pregnancy symptoms you could dream for. Some bloating, sore and large bbs, etc etc, Blah, have had some incredibly awful nightmares and dreams, and my acupuncturist seems to think it has worked but I don’t know!

 

Wait and see I guess…………