Lesson learnt

bunny in a pot

Please be aware, I am a crazy hormonal mess, read at own risk:

This week has been trying for me,   we are 10 weeks Monday just been and this is a huge achievement and I am thrilled, but the week has been trying.

Let’s start from the beginning.  We told my DH’s family we were pregnant this week, we didn’t tell them how we got pregnant, just that we were.  We have decided that we will tell them in person when we see them later in the year, and as they live overseas they haven’t been around to know any different.  You never get much out of DH’s mum, whereas my family cried, and screamed with joy and jumped around, we got a (translated) well done in monotone and that they had expected the call soon.  Eehh whatever, I’m pregnant for us not for them, and my family give me the laughs and positivity I need so although I know they are pleased and happy for us, I can live without the hoopla from them.

I married into another culture, and with this come compromises.  I know this, but what I struggle with is that it always seems to be me compromising for them, it never seems to be them compromising for me.  I struggle with this sometimes.  When it is little things I can shrug them off for the benefit of DH, but this week they managed to crawl under my skin and set up camp.    Literally 24 hours after we told them the most exciting news of our lives, they rang us asking for a substantial “loan”, with the intention to apparently pay us back.  Usually I would not have lost my shit over this but in my “culture” asking this kind of thing when you have just been informed of some life changing news seems so incredibly selfish and insulting, I could barely comprehend it was true.   The other issue is the person wanting to borrow means nothing to me at all and she already owes us cash from the last time we bailed her out.  The only thing I have heard all week is that we must do it because its family and its cultural.  Well, what about my culture? What about the fact that in my “culture” we help if we can and if it’s an emergency but people who stuff us over previously then expect us to jump when they say jump even at a crucial part of our own lives would be put to shame!   I stood my ground a refused and this penetrated DH and my relationship.  I am also unsure why we were targeted; did I mention this person is just an Aunty? There is a sister (DH’s mum) and DH has a brother, so why just us? Why if this was so bloody important didn’t all three member of this frickin family put in? You know, share the burden?  I am sure this will never be answered!

So after 5 days of crap, I was backed into a corner and transferred my savings to another person, so they could be relaxed and happy.  I might be 10 weeks pregnant but apparently that is not important enough.  But get this, when DH told this person we had done it, we had transferred the cash, she promised to send me a present, a case of wine! CAN YOU FRICKIN BELIEVE IT! I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING PREGNANT!  I don’t want a present! I want you to piss off and give me my saving back!

So now I wait, (cue pregnancy hormones);  when or if the money is not repaid, I will never see his family again, I will stand firm, I will never take our child to their home country, I will not allow them in my house, I will make life so difficult they will regret ever pissing me off to begin with.    We have an overseas trip planned in three and a half weeks which includes a stop at his home town; I will not go unless this is sorted.  Blah, all over money, it’s stupid, but I can’t shake how unfair they are being putting us in this situation.

To add to this stress, last week I had a day of extreme weird pain; it was on and off but intense.  I saw my FS and they did a quick scan.  Bunny  was perfect and had  grown heaps since last scan so that was reassuring, but my FS believes the surgeons who did my lap for endo 8 years ago may have left something in my abdo at the belly button incision site.  WTF?  Nice, nice, nice.  Only me I guess.  Pain got so bad that night I was very nearly trundled off to ED.  However, being a nurse I was not going! I will refuse a GA to explore the site so what is the point? If Bunny is fine I will and can cope.  The next day pain was gone and hasn’t come back. So all good hopefully!

We have decided to stay with our FS as he is also an OBS, we have booked into the private hospital and today had a scan and bloods etc ready for the 12 ½ week scan for NT screening coming up.  While waiting at the hospital pathology for the blood tests (second lot today) a young girl came in, obviously suffering some form of cancer.  She looked exhausted and sick, and I had to stop and think despite the shit that DH’s family is putting us through, my god I am lucky.  Yes we had a tough time getting to where we are, but I am happy and pregnant and I am not that girl, I was the girl with an infertile husband.  I didn’t want to feel sorry for her; I wanted to transfer strength and fight.  I fought for this pregnancy, I did the meds, the operations, the heart ache, I just wanted her to know that I fought and she can too, like she most probably is.  She was in an out quickly as she is a priority and seen immediately, as she should be! This was a public clinic and there were people everywhere likely carrying all kinds of bugs, she shouldn’t have been there at all really.  I hope she is fighting, I hope that her life is going to get better; I hope she froze some eggs so life doesn’t kick her in the guts again should she want children in the future.

Back to bunny and our app, Little Bunny was wriggling away on the screen and measured perfectly with a strong heartbeat.  What a beautiful sight.   So we did it, we have made it to week ten, I have learnt to never expect anything but BS from DH family, and take comfort in the fact my family never put me under such strain.

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guess what I saw!

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Guess what I saw!

So it’s been a good week overall actually, although I did have a little scare…

I had bloods done at the clinic on Tuesday and they had risen to 73’230. This was good news and everything was looking great. I then however ran into my FS at work. He cornered me and said “right, we need to scan you, and I will do it, not the clinic. So you can come and see me on Tuesday, but try to remember at this stage 1 In 5 ends in MC. Your numbers look good so I have my fingers crossed for you”.  Cue stunned look turning into complete melt down. Now I had been very positive up until this point, but when I was suddenly thrown into doubt land it knocked me for two!

 

I am a nurse, I have had a MC before, and you don’t need to explain the odds to IVF ladies! WE KNOW! So of course this sent me into overdrive, googling blighted ovum’s, missed MC, etc etc. Not good for your head any of this. It was a long, long wait between Thursday and Tuesday (today) until we were squeezed in for a scan today.

 

So there we were, I couldn’t breathe, I hadn’t slept, I was sitting with my Hubby, already in his scrubs ready for OT and in a dark, empty hospital corner waiting for our Dr to grab us before his regular clinic started.   I actually cannot describe the hopelessness this made me feel. Dear hubby was doing his best to distract me with trivial things, but I could tell he was nervous too. Then our specialist popped his head round the corner and took us in. I was straight up on the table and ready to roll, but DH was uncomfortable and nervous, he had to be instructed where to sit (dr’s make the worst patients). Then I was given the “now just relax, legs out, and I let me look first as I can’t talk and look, multitasking isn’t my thing”. Yeah right, as soon as the probe was in I saw it and let the world know! A beautiful beating heart, clear as day. The dr had to wait for me to calm down before he could measure everything, but we are right on track at 7 ½ to 8 weeks.

 

A perfect day.

 

Please stay to play little Bunny we love you already.

 

 

An update of our Easter mIracle.

It has been a week now and I actually managed to wait the week before going for more blood tests. This week my DH and I decided we would live “normally”. Although we still spoke of and to our bunny, we attempted to talk of other things, and not focus on every little twinge or fear I felt. This worked really well, we were calm, and we had a fun weekend, despite DH working most of the time. We actually made it to 6 days since last test without getting nervous beyond belief. However as usual the day before the blood tests I couldn’t help but allow a few nerves to creep in.   I had no reason for this, my acupuncturist who I have decided to trust with my life as she has been right on the mark since before we even started the IVF cycle said everything was fine and to relax. It’s funny how sometimes combing western and eastern medicine meshes so well I don’t know which is to thank for our success? One more than the other? A combination? A higher being?  This was an Easer miracle remember. However the point is my Chinese medicine therapist/acupuncturist was right all along, she knew I was pregnant, she knew my levels had only risen slightly at one point, she knew when they had shot up. She calms my nerves the day before blood tests and I appreciate this, also I sleep beautifully after treatment and that is always a bonus.

 

So I thought I would borrow the timeline idea from other bloggers and update it as we progress.

Where are we at? Week 7 technically, however we had a late implanter so I think we might be a little behind this.

Most recent HCG and prog: HCG jumped on Tuesday 13th to 39’995 up from 10’000 a week ago. Progesterone jumped from 71 to 105! Woohoo

Medications I am on: 4 progesterone pesseries a day; however after the last blood tests I can drop it down to 3 a day.

Side effects of the meds: hard to say but it is defiantly making me bloated, gassy and is playing havoc on my bowels. Gross!

Pregnancy symptoms: tiredness and lethargy, if I am not eating I have an uneasy queasiness continually, bloating, little twinges, headaches, extremely vivid dreams, sometimes nice dreams but mostly weird nightmares. Loo breaks 2-3 times a night. Citrus cravings and food aversions such as chocolate, caffeine, and sometimes just anything! I need regular small meals as apparently cant scoff down my usual hearty amount.

Weight: Unsure, I defiantly put weight on during the IVF cycle, and now I think I am just seriously un-toned, but likely put a bit on tooL. DH has put me on a strict limited exercise regime until we get the scan. Also I feel too tired anyway.

What’s next? Bloods on Tuesday 20th, and then a scan on 22nd. I have refused a scan until this point. It is my choice when we have a scan really, and as long as my bloods indicate everything is fine I don’t really think there is a problem with waiting. My clinic were good, they didn’t force it but suggested it happen soon. So by next Thursday we will be about 7 ½ to 8 ½ weeks so we should get an accurate measure and heart beat (fingers crossed). I am trying to not be demanding, I just don’t want unnecessary tests. I feel that me and bunny have been thru enough and should just be left to have a nice happy, safe pregnancy. I do realise it is important to have scans and tests, but I want the minimum if possible. Also my acupuncturist agrees as she was concerned scanning at 6 weeks would firstly cause unnecessary stress if we didn’t see a heartbeat yet, and also vibrations from the ultrasound this early is not healthy or needed. I don’t want to increase the risks of MC if it can be avoided.

 

How is DH: DH is very happy, we has started talking to bunny and likes to kiss my belly. It’s totally cute. Also something that I am finding just so adorable is that he has started to thank me. Sounds odd I know, but when he leaves for work for example he will give me a kiss and say thanks for looking after Bunny. I like this.

Who knows: My mum, aunty and uncle as they are our support team, also my best friend, she is an amazing support and as she has just had a bub it’s nice to get a fresh perspective. Also my boss at work knows, I work independently but do have to report to the NUM at this clinic, as she had to ok the several days off. I can’t even explain how grateful I am to this woman. Nurse mangers in my experience are bitter and twisted old bags who hate all. But this one and in fairness my previous NUM are both exceptional managers and I am forever thankful for their support. My current boss checks in with me nearly daily and is always able to calm my nerves. Perhaps it’s because all 4 of her kids are IVF miracles? Both DH and I are keen to tell his immediate family and my close girlfriends, and we will, but first we want a strong heartbeat next week.

 

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already.

How do you look beyond the cloud?

 

 

How do you do it?

 

 

I am currently trying to learn how to live each day normally? I realise this sounds very odd, so let me explain.

Ladies or couples going thru IVF and infertility have a cloud hanging over their heads every second of the day. Do you remember in university the feeling of weight or a dark cloud that sat upon your shoulders all semester and was only lifted after your final exam? Imagine that feeling amplified by the single fact that you aren’t worried about an assignment or your next mark, you are worried if the life you have just created is still in fact a life.

I will not digress into when is a life considered a life, I happen to be pro-choice. However, if I was to find out the little life created recently in a petri dish, in a lab, with the one selective sperm they were able to find that looked perfect, and with the most mature and healthy egg I produced was over, I would be devastated. That 8 cell emby that they popped into me only a few weeks ago is my baby, it is our baby, it is a life with the help of our Dr’s and clinic and lab tech and all the supportive people who we have told have helped create.

So how do you live with this weight upon your shoulders? My husband recently said he was proud of me for not, as he put it’ “losing my shit” during this time. It made me think, “How am I not losing my shit?” My gen Y, OCD, perfectionist personality doesn’t usually cope in these circumstances. My usual coping mechanism consists of, full flung meltdown mode, break everything and everyone in my path and then rapidly put an action plan in place to gain all control back. But, when it comes to this, it is out of my control. I can eat healthy, I can do limited exercise, I can google my little heart out, I can try and get more sleep but nothing can be done to force my HCG levels up. Nothing can be done to ensure the life is still living.

Last week I had a blood test of Tuesday that showed a massive jump 318 to 1700 HCG. The nurses at the clinic were very happy and everything was calm. I then had a repeat test on Thursday, expecting my levels to continue to double I was shocked when they had only gone up by 1000. 1700 to 2700. The nurses didn’t seem too concerned and stated that levels do slow but they wanted to see me in a week for a repeat test anyway. I was nervous, I had serious pain on the Wednesday night (see previous blog) I want my levels to be thru the roof, I want them to be higher than expected every time! Going back to my Gen Y personality, I want everything now and want it to be perfect.   I didn’t get this result and to make matters worse my one or two symptoms I did have DISAPEARED two days later! That’s two days now with nothing!

Time line:

Twinges and cramps regularly since day 15 post transfer

  • Twinges and sensitive bbs not constant but regular
  • Sharp pain (assumed MC) last Wednesday approx. day 22 post transfer
  • Bloods only go up by a thousand between Tuesday and Thursday (pain Wednesday)
  • CUE FREAK OUT!
  • Sunday/Monday this week, bbs stop hurting, one or two little twinges nothing much!
  • CUE SECOND FREAK OUT
  • Queasiness yesterday and today- I assumed it was anxiety
  • Bloods booked for Thursday 8th,
  • Can’t wait! MUST GET BLOODS NOW! (OCD) Tuesday!

 

Bloods back this afternoon and I am very thankful for the clinic calling as soon as they got the results in rather than waiting until later and making me fight with the other 100 women and reception trying to get results.

        HCG 10’000

 

The life still lives!

Now, how to live until the next blood test in a week?

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already

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Did I speak to soon?

Maybe I did?

 

I am a pile of nerves today. After my happy dance blog yesterday where life was fabulous and nothing was going to go wrong I am now a wreck.

 

Last night I woke up to an extreme stabbing pain in my uterus, only lasted a second or two but it hurt like crazy! I am now very concerned that this is the first sign of an impending MC. I say this because last year when I did MC (although it was never going to be a viable pregnancy) I had a similar pain two days before I started to bleed. It also woke me at night.

 

I called my clinic, they said I have had a slight progesterone drop but this could be because I changed medications recently and the pain could be from the meds themselves as cramps etc are a side effect. So maybe this is why this is all happening. My HCG levels are “beautiful” according to clinic and they said to not worry. But, I am worried, I am sick to the pit of my stomach worried.

 

I feel like the world is crashing in on me. We finally get good news and now it is possible my body is rebelling. Why? Why can’t we just have a smooth stress free 9 months? We have done the hard yards; we put in the time, effort money. Why do I have to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders? My body aches from the inside out, I am so very sad. I know I don’t have results yet but I can’t help it, I can barely lift my head today.

 

Bloods tomorrow and they will know what’s happening,

 

Wish me sticky baby dust please world.

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Could this be it?

A week or so has passed since I dropped in to say hello. To be honest I was too nervous to write anything in case I jinx myself. You see, I am anywhere between 4wks 4 days and 5 weeks. Technically I am 5 weeks going on transfer dates of our little 8 cell, but we had a late implanter I think! Hence the first negative test.

Also it is about this time, in fact probably a few days ago and with much lower HCG levels that we lost our first naturally conceived miracle. I am now aware that this little bundle was never coming into the world and the fact we “conceived” was a weird phenomenon. The doctors believe the little swimmer that managed to get to my egglet was one of the malformed ones, not one of the 16 good ones (sarcasm intended). So my body produced some HCG which gave us the positive result but then swiftly realised this was not a viable bub and we MC naturally. My HCG levels never got over 44.

As you can imagine a year of trying after this coupled with IVF make every little twinge and niggle frightening!

We got our positive result Saturday 19th April and since our numbers have been doubling beautifully. Today at 19 days post a 3 day transfer of a little 8 cell, that apparently has my husband personality trait of procrastination (late implanter) our levels came back today at 1700! We are thrilled. Still very early days but feeling more positive each test!   On the weekend just been I did a dance class and about 4 hours later I had several stabbing type pains, this scared the day lights out of me! The rest of the weekend was like a cartoon, I moved slowly, analysed every twinge and Dr Google got a beating! Until a new friend I have made on a IVF support forum calmed me down. For the purpose of the blog I will call her Daisy.

 

Daisy and I had both started chatting in the monthly chat room of an online IVF support group. This group is usually incredibly supportive and a wealth of knowledge but this month there were far too many of us cycling and emotions were running high! There was one lady, let’s call her Zena, who is very opinionated but well respected in the group started giving us all a hard time. Zena has been in the group along time as she has had 3 full Stim cycles that have unfortunately failed. This is incredibly sad and everyone wants her to get her BFP! She is 38 with low AMH and low reserve etc so she needs it now! However she had a failed attempt just as me and Daisy were finishing our last few days of stimming, and this resulted in a barrage of negativity directed at us for being so “sickly positive”.  Daisy was only a day out from EPU and I was still about 7 days out. But we had been providing positive, support and friendship to many of the girls in the forum and this sudden dose of negativity hit us hard! Zena openly told us to look at life a bit harder and get a dose of reality! There was no chance both of us Daisy age 37 and myself, age 26 would get a BFP from our first go at IVF. Ummm back off! It’s our first go and we have every right to be as positive as we can!

 

Well, after this little outburst we were private emailing each other for support and I have to admit were both a little chuffed we both got a BFP! Daisy has just had her 6 week 4 days scan and her little “lentil” is perfect size with a strong heart beat! Amazing! Two hours later I got my bloods! Sitting at 1700 up from 318!

 

Thrilled! Many hurdles to go but our little bunt although a procrastinator is strong!

 

Please stay to play little Bubby, we love you already!

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Our Easter Miracle

I left you last week with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

BY the time I had called the hubby, I had a plan in place. Typical OCD nutcase but this is my coping mechanism. I defend myself against sadness and depression by arming myself with a new project.

My plan consisted of several points.

  1. Abuse doctor
  2. Call Doctor and book an app. To discuss the next step.
  3. Find a new gym, pay membership and torture myself for the next 6 weeks
  4. Make it thru day without a major public breakdown. (JUST)

Fell asleep in a bed of tears that night. Unsure why this was so painfully difficult.  

Continued to take medication as instructed, seemed completely pointless but did as I was told, made it to bloods on Saturday morning within minutes of the clinic closing its doors to clinical appointments. DH came with me for moral support. This was meant to be such a happy day.

Did a crazy pole dance class after my app. Was so much fun and OMG my muscles were burning! Spoke to the parentals and other major supports in my life, discussed my plan of attack. I was feeling more settled by this stage, sad of course but with a plan a I can move forward.

 

I was meant to call the clinic for results at 12, I completely forgot, remembered just before 1pm, at which time they close. For some reason I suddenly felt frantic, dialled the number faster than ever before and luckily they answered.

Me:

“Hi, I’m calling to ask firstly to confirm the results are negative and to ask when I can book in the FET cycle”.

Nurse:

“hi, ok, that’s fine but can we deal with this pregnancy first?”

Me:

“What pregnancy?”

Nurse

“your pregnancy, your numbers are positive, they are low at 14 but it looks like you had a late implanter, we need to do repeat bloods on Monday but I think you can be cautiously happy’

 

ME

 

CUE TEARS!

 

Cried for a day!  

Sunday came and my usually not very religious hubby decided that this was our Easter miracle! I tend to agree, how did things change so incredibly quickly? We went to Easter Mass on Sunday afternoon and lit a few candles, no prizes to guess what we prayed for right?

After church, hubby suggests we go already, I was curious as to where he wanted to go. He suggested the clinic as it was 7pm now and we need to be there on time for tomorrow’s appointment! Haha the clinic is 10 minutes from our house! Bless him! Nervous!

Bloods taken as the doors opened at the clinic Monday morning, I am not sure we even spoke to each other for the next few hours, we went for a long walk, had some breakfast at a local café and gave each other a reassuring squeeze here and there. 12pm I got the call. Bloods results progesterone a little low so increase your Crinone meds but HCG 49!!! MORE than doubled!

 

OUR EASTER MIRACLE

 

Obviously very early, so we haven’t gone public with the news yet other than to my Aunt and Mum, but if something were to go wrong I would need them for support anyway so felt right they know immediately.

So now I am day exactly 12 days post fresh day 3 transfer of a perfect 8 cell embie!

 

Stay to play little bunny! Please! Xxx we love you already.