Could this be it?

A week or so has passed since I dropped in to say hello. To be honest I was too nervous to write anything in case I jinx myself. You see, I am anywhere between 4wks 4 days and 5 weeks. Technically I am 5 weeks going on transfer dates of our little 8 cell, but we had a late implanter I think! Hence the first negative test.

Also it is about this time, in fact probably a few days ago and with much lower HCG levels that we lost our first naturally conceived miracle. I am now aware that this little bundle was never coming into the world and the fact we “conceived” was a weird phenomenon. The doctors believe the little swimmer that managed to get to my egglet was one of the malformed ones, not one of the 16 good ones (sarcasm intended). So my body produced some HCG which gave us the positive result but then swiftly realised this was not a viable bub and we MC naturally. My HCG levels never got over 44.

As you can imagine a year of trying after this coupled with IVF make every little twinge and niggle frightening!

We got our positive result Saturday 19th April and since our numbers have been doubling beautifully. Today at 19 days post a 3 day transfer of a little 8 cell, that apparently has my husband personality trait of procrastination (late implanter) our levels came back today at 1700! We are thrilled. Still very early days but feeling more positive each test!   On the weekend just been I did a dance class and about 4 hours later I had several stabbing type pains, this scared the day lights out of me! The rest of the weekend was like a cartoon, I moved slowly, analysed every twinge and Dr Google got a beating! Until a new friend I have made on a IVF support forum calmed me down. For the purpose of the blog I will call her Daisy.

 

Daisy and I had both started chatting in the monthly chat room of an online IVF support group. This group is usually incredibly supportive and a wealth of knowledge but this month there were far too many of us cycling and emotions were running high! There was one lady, let’s call her Zena, who is very opinionated but well respected in the group started giving us all a hard time. Zena has been in the group along time as she has had 3 full Stim cycles that have unfortunately failed. This is incredibly sad and everyone wants her to get her BFP! She is 38 with low AMH and low reserve etc so she needs it now! However she had a failed attempt just as me and Daisy were finishing our last few days of stimming, and this resulted in a barrage of negativity directed at us for being so “sickly positive”.  Daisy was only a day out from EPU and I was still about 7 days out. But we had been providing positive, support and friendship to many of the girls in the forum and this sudden dose of negativity hit us hard! Zena openly told us to look at life a bit harder and get a dose of reality! There was no chance both of us Daisy age 37 and myself, age 26 would get a BFP from our first go at IVF. Ummm back off! It’s our first go and we have every right to be as positive as we can!

 

Well, after this little outburst we were private emailing each other for support and I have to admit were both a little chuffed we both got a BFP! Daisy has just had her 6 week 4 days scan and her little “lentil” is perfect size with a strong heart beat! Amazing! Two hours later I got my bloods! Sitting at 1700 up from 318!

 

Thrilled! Many hurdles to go but our little bunt although a procrastinator is strong!

 

Please stay to play little Bubby, we love you already!

Image

 

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Our Easter Miracle

I left you last week with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

BY the time I had called the hubby, I had a plan in place. Typical OCD nutcase but this is my coping mechanism. I defend myself against sadness and depression by arming myself with a new project.

My plan consisted of several points.

  1. Abuse doctor
  2. Call Doctor and book an app. To discuss the next step.
  3. Find a new gym, pay membership and torture myself for the next 6 weeks
  4. Make it thru day without a major public breakdown. (JUST)

Fell asleep in a bed of tears that night. Unsure why this was so painfully difficult.  

Continued to take medication as instructed, seemed completely pointless but did as I was told, made it to bloods on Saturday morning within minutes of the clinic closing its doors to clinical appointments. DH came with me for moral support. This was meant to be such a happy day.

Did a crazy pole dance class after my app. Was so much fun and OMG my muscles were burning! Spoke to the parentals and other major supports in my life, discussed my plan of attack. I was feeling more settled by this stage, sad of course but with a plan a I can move forward.

 

I was meant to call the clinic for results at 12, I completely forgot, remembered just before 1pm, at which time they close. For some reason I suddenly felt frantic, dialled the number faster than ever before and luckily they answered.

Me:

“Hi, I’m calling to ask firstly to confirm the results are negative and to ask when I can book in the FET cycle”.

Nurse:

“hi, ok, that’s fine but can we deal with this pregnancy first?”

Me:

“What pregnancy?”

Nurse

“your pregnancy, your numbers are positive, they are low at 14 but it looks like you had a late implanter, we need to do repeat bloods on Monday but I think you can be cautiously happy’

 

ME

 

CUE TEARS!

 

Cried for a day!  

Sunday came and my usually not very religious hubby decided that this was our Easter miracle! I tend to agree, how did things change so incredibly quickly? We went to Easter Mass on Sunday afternoon and lit a few candles, no prizes to guess what we prayed for right?

After church, hubby suggests we go already, I was curious as to where he wanted to go. He suggested the clinic as it was 7pm now and we need to be there on time for tomorrow’s appointment! Haha the clinic is 10 minutes from our house! Bless him! Nervous!

Bloods taken as the doors opened at the clinic Monday morning, I am not sure we even spoke to each other for the next few hours, we went for a long walk, had some breakfast at a local café and gave each other a reassuring squeeze here and there. 12pm I got the call. Bloods results progesterone a little low so increase your Crinone meds but HCG 49!!! MORE than doubled!

 

OUR EASTER MIRACLE

 

Obviously very early, so we haven’t gone public with the news yet other than to my Aunt and Mum, but if something were to go wrong I would need them for support anyway so felt right they know immediately.

So now I am day exactly 12 days post fresh day 3 transfer of a perfect 8 cell embie!

 

Stay to play little bunny! Please! Xxx we love you already.

 

I make a promise.

I am not sure even where to start this blog. Today I find out if there are any early signs of HCG in my system. As you can imagine I am anxious, nervous and actually a bit sad.

But the most incredible thing just tipped me over the edge into full blown tears at work. A “friend” and I use the term very loosely now has given birth and sent a text around introducing bub, as you do. That’s fine I hear you say, however the back story is………

This “friend” and I have known each other for about 5 years, we lived together for awhile and became quite close, she was there when I met the man I married, she sat with me thru tears and happiness and once said if we were to ever get married she wants to be bridesmaid. I held her to that and she came to the wedding as a bridesmaid. However, she had started dating a douchbag 6 months before hand, he already had a kid, and she had aborted one a year earlier (to a different guy) I had supported her every decision as friends do, and offered any support I could. But this meant she was now on a mission to get UTD again in order to try and keep this guy I guess?   Long story short, painful the entire time at my wedding after he dumped her over facebook, only for them to get back to a week later and be UTD not 2 months later less than a yr. into their “relationship”

 

Well long story short I got the text message and I am very glad mum and bub are doing well, but….. The bitch stole the one name I have always wanted for a little girl. AND SHE KNEW THIS!

Friendship over.

Of course there is more behind this decision, but this is the last nail in the coffin.

I know this blog sounds mean, nasty, etc but I would never do this to someone I considered a friend, perhaps I truly do expect too much from people as lately several “friends” and 1 SIL have proven to disappoint me to the point where I wonder why I try.

 

I am incredibly lucky to have a gorgeous group of girlfriends who are always checking in regarding the treatment and how I am feeling and making the effort to text, call and visit. I adore them, and I am forever thankful. I need to focus on our journey, our plan, and not let awful, spiteful and jealous feelings run me into the ground like I have been.

 

I finish this blog with a promise.

You burn me; I will no longer let you in my life.

I will no longer let others ruin me, I will be stronger and I will acknowledge I am better off without you.

I will be thankful every day for my family, my friends, and my DH.

 

ROMANCE AND SCIENCE- DO THE TWO MIX???

Romance and science- do the two mix?

 

This week has been the agonising wait since our single day three 8 cell transfer last Thursday. My E2 levels were ok, and I felt like an entire building had been lifted off my shoulders and all the furniture taken out thru my EPU procedure. Actually to be brutally honest, I felt like a giant bloated chicken going in to lay a thousand bloody eggs in one go! Appealing no?

I was feeling better physically and emotionally aswell, the dreadful bloating was easing, my mood was a little more stable perhaps, and the IVF acne was minimally better. However the two week wait or two week torture as preferred in the IF forum world began the day the perfect little 8 cell embryo was transferred.

 

The doctor told me they selected the best looking one (from a selection of 5) at day 3 to be transferred so if the others make it this one should too. The others would be frozen at the blast stage day 5 if they made it. We had 4 make it to blast stage as perfect grade 1s so this was promising. Since then you are subjected to a few more blood tests to check your levels and ensure you are getting enough progesterone support. After a stim cycle it’s like your body forgets what to do, so you require all this monitoring and extra meds to be taken to support a possible pregnancy should it be successful. This for me was disgusting progesterone pesseries.

 

This is where the heading to this blog makes sense. Under no circumstances does science and romance mix, I feel so disgusting that even the idea is upsetting! This is not good I might just add, normally a very physical couple I am struggle street with the luck of lust I currently have! DH is very supportive and actually he put a stop to all things romantic before I did (hhmmph) but I still don’t appreciate the lack of drive these meds are giving me!

 

The wait is nearly over tho; tomorrow (Thursday) I have my very first and very early hcg test to see if anything is happening at all. The test will be repeated on Saturday just in case it is too early or to see if the number doubles but I am not holding out much hope.

In the wait to see if the IVF fresh transfer was successful you cant test, the reason is usually the trigger shot from a week or so ago stays in your system and will give you a false positive, also the progesterone gives you all the pregnancy symptoms you could dream for. Some bloating, sore and large bbs, etc etc, Blah, have had some incredibly awful nightmares and dreams, and my acupuncturist seems to think it has worked but I don’t know!

 

Wait and see I guess…………

What a weekend

 

I left you the night before second round bloods. I have to admit my anxiety levels were thru the roof!  Having no control over something as important as making a family is awful! I felt completly useless and being the A type Leo personality I am, (also genY) I cannot stand this feeling! I have to use every will power I have to not knock the heads off all i come across!

I want control, its the only way I can take a step back, breath and enjoy what ever else is happening in life.  I found myself so wrapped up in this infertility cycle that I am forgetting that the earth is still spinning around me.  I am living one blood test to the next, one scan to the next, one phone call to the next. Its tiring….

 

There is so much out of your control when you are cycling. One minute you feel good, positive, happy the next your feeling sick, tired super emotional. I went for bloods Saturday morning and the nurse scared me more. She was only trying to be helpful and honest, and I know this, but no one wants news if it isn’t good! Waiting, waiting, “surely my E2 levels can’t jump that high over night?” got the call, 15000 up from 9000 CRAP! Its high the nurse said but not too high! The stress levels start to level out and I am confirmed to trigger sat night. That’s two ovideral shots! Theses shots hurt! It’s like a thick gel pushing into your skin! Thank god these aren’t IM injections!

 

I now have a drug free Sunday! It’s nice to not have my “meds” alarm scream at me at 6:30am then at 7:30 am then again in the night! But I feel like I am carrying around to giant bags of grapes on each ovary! I am heavy, bloated, tired, emotional, and anxious! Anything else?   Monday comes and I am nervous and excited, I just want these things out now! I want to feel like myself again. My Aunty/BFF came to stay with us to help me out and be the Support person/responsible adult post-surgery for me which was such a blessing. There was so much going on both emotionally and physically and DH had his own appointments he had to attend so he couldn’t be there for me too! The EPU was fairly stress free, gowned up like a clown and placed on the table, drip and fluids in, doctors and nurses all around. At this clinic the use sedation but not a GA, I actually expected twilight sedation, the one where you are kind of awake but might not feel too much. The last thing I remember is the nurse putting the stirrups on the bed and someone saying “is she still with us?

Woke up, cold and groggy in recovery, BP in my boots but a nurse telling me to” drink this tea”. I was out and on the way to my home and bed in 25 minutes. The whole thing only taking a one and half hours or so.

 

So long story short, DH was successful, I was being nursed at home and sleeping the drugs away.

13 eggs

BY Tuesday 9 fertilized

By Wednesday 8 progressing well!

Hopefully tomorrow will be transfer day! And maybe a few frosties for next cycles and/or more bubs!

Nothing ever goes smoothly!

I have had 10 days of stimming now, I was meant to have EPU today (Friday) but my doctor said “the longer you can stim for the better the outcome” so I was pushed to stim for longer. I now have EPU Monday 7th. They have been doing two daily bloods and scans and my results were looking awesome!

Scan 1 Monday-21 follicles, E2 2010

Scan 2 Wednesday-19 follicles E2 4110

Scan 3 Friday- 19 follicles with likely a couple hiding all ranging from 16mm to 20mm BUT E2 9000

The clinic called, they said I need extra bloods done tomorrow. The nurse did say this was just a precaution to be extra safe and she didn’t believe anything would be cancelled. i.e fresh day three transfer, but if my bloods seriously elevate by tomorrow morning then it will be a freeze all!

SHIT!

I know this isn’t that bad, I have beautiful follicles that are maturing well, so there is every chance I will get some gorgeous eggs, but I want a fresh transfer next week! I really don’t want to have to wait another cycle for even the possibility of being UTD! Any idea followers or readers? The forum I chat with all suggest it is unlikely ill get cancelled and they said some of them had much higher levels and this possibility wasn’t even discussed….. this gives me hope but I have no experience in this, and I hate it when I can’t control everything!

Will I get a fresh transfer?? Only time will tell I guess! Bloods tomorrow morning! Will know by 1pm. But trigger Saturday night 8pm without fail! Only 4 more needles to go!