How do you look beyond the cloud?

 

 

How do you do it?

 

 

I am currently trying to learn how to live each day normally? I realise this sounds very odd, so let me explain.

Ladies or couples going thru IVF and infertility have a cloud hanging over their heads every second of the day. Do you remember in university the feeling of weight or a dark cloud that sat upon your shoulders all semester and was only lifted after your final exam? Imagine that feeling amplified by the single fact that you aren’t worried about an assignment or your next mark, you are worried if the life you have just created is still in fact a life.

I will not digress into when is a life considered a life, I happen to be pro-choice. However, if I was to find out the little life created recently in a petri dish, in a lab, with the one selective sperm they were able to find that looked perfect, and with the most mature and healthy egg I produced was over, I would be devastated. That 8 cell emby that they popped into me only a few weeks ago is my baby, it is our baby, it is a life with the help of our Dr’s and clinic and lab tech and all the supportive people who we have told have helped create.

So how do you live with this weight upon your shoulders? My husband recently said he was proud of me for not, as he put it’ “losing my shit” during this time. It made me think, “How am I not losing my shit?” My gen Y, OCD, perfectionist personality doesn’t usually cope in these circumstances. My usual coping mechanism consists of, full flung meltdown mode, break everything and everyone in my path and then rapidly put an action plan in place to gain all control back. But, when it comes to this, it is out of my control. I can eat healthy, I can do limited exercise, I can google my little heart out, I can try and get more sleep but nothing can be done to force my HCG levels up. Nothing can be done to ensure the life is still living.

Last week I had a blood test of Tuesday that showed a massive jump 318 to 1700 HCG. The nurses at the clinic were very happy and everything was calm. I then had a repeat test on Thursday, expecting my levels to continue to double I was shocked when they had only gone up by 1000. 1700 to 2700. The nurses didn’t seem too concerned and stated that levels do slow but they wanted to see me in a week for a repeat test anyway. I was nervous, I had serious pain on the Wednesday night (see previous blog) I want my levels to be thru the roof, I want them to be higher than expected every time! Going back to my Gen Y personality, I want everything now and want it to be perfect.   I didn’t get this result and to make matters worse my one or two symptoms I did have DISAPEARED two days later! That’s two days now with nothing!

Time line:

Twinges and cramps regularly since day 15 post transfer

  • Twinges and sensitive bbs not constant but regular
  • Sharp pain (assumed MC) last Wednesday approx. day 22 post transfer
  • Bloods only go up by a thousand between Tuesday and Thursday (pain Wednesday)
  • CUE FREAK OUT!
  • Sunday/Monday this week, bbs stop hurting, one or two little twinges nothing much!
  • CUE SECOND FREAK OUT
  • Queasiness yesterday and today- I assumed it was anxiety
  • Bloods booked for Thursday 8th,
  • Can’t wait! MUST GET BLOODS NOW! (OCD) Tuesday!

 

Bloods back this afternoon and I am very thankful for the clinic calling as soon as they got the results in rather than waiting until later and making me fight with the other 100 women and reception trying to get results.

        HCG 10’000

 

The life still lives!

Now, how to live until the next blood test in a week?

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already

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