guess what I saw!

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Guess what I saw!

So it’s been a good week overall actually, although I did have a little scare…

I had bloods done at the clinic on Tuesday and they had risen to 73’230. This was good news and everything was looking great. I then however ran into my FS at work. He cornered me and said “right, we need to scan you, and I will do it, not the clinic. So you can come and see me on Tuesday, but try to remember at this stage 1 In 5 ends in MC. Your numbers look good so I have my fingers crossed for you”.  Cue stunned look turning into complete melt down. Now I had been very positive up until this point, but when I was suddenly thrown into doubt land it knocked me for two!

 

I am a nurse, I have had a MC before, and you don’t need to explain the odds to IVF ladies! WE KNOW! So of course this sent me into overdrive, googling blighted ovum’s, missed MC, etc etc. Not good for your head any of this. It was a long, long wait between Thursday and Tuesday (today) until we were squeezed in for a scan today.

 

So there we were, I couldn’t breathe, I hadn’t slept, I was sitting with my Hubby, already in his scrubs ready for OT and in a dark, empty hospital corner waiting for our Dr to grab us before his regular clinic started.   I actually cannot describe the hopelessness this made me feel. Dear hubby was doing his best to distract me with trivial things, but I could tell he was nervous too. Then our specialist popped his head round the corner and took us in. I was straight up on the table and ready to roll, but DH was uncomfortable and nervous, he had to be instructed where to sit (dr’s make the worst patients). Then I was given the “now just relax, legs out, and I let me look first as I can’t talk and look, multitasking isn’t my thing”. Yeah right, as soon as the probe was in I saw it and let the world know! A beautiful beating heart, clear as day. The dr had to wait for me to calm down before he could measure everything, but we are right on track at 7 ½ to 8 weeks.

 

A perfect day.

 

Please stay to play little Bunny we love you already.

 

 

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An update of our Easter mIracle.

It has been a week now and I actually managed to wait the week before going for more blood tests. This week my DH and I decided we would live “normally”. Although we still spoke of and to our bunny, we attempted to talk of other things, and not focus on every little twinge or fear I felt. This worked really well, we were calm, and we had a fun weekend, despite DH working most of the time. We actually made it to 6 days since last test without getting nervous beyond belief. However as usual the day before the blood tests I couldn’t help but allow a few nerves to creep in.   I had no reason for this, my acupuncturist who I have decided to trust with my life as she has been right on the mark since before we even started the IVF cycle said everything was fine and to relax. It’s funny how sometimes combing western and eastern medicine meshes so well I don’t know which is to thank for our success? One more than the other? A combination? A higher being?  This was an Easer miracle remember. However the point is my Chinese medicine therapist/acupuncturist was right all along, she knew I was pregnant, she knew my levels had only risen slightly at one point, she knew when they had shot up. She calms my nerves the day before blood tests and I appreciate this, also I sleep beautifully after treatment and that is always a bonus.

 

So I thought I would borrow the timeline idea from other bloggers and update it as we progress.

Where are we at? Week 7 technically, however we had a late implanter so I think we might be a little behind this.

Most recent HCG and prog: HCG jumped on Tuesday 13th to 39’995 up from 10’000 a week ago. Progesterone jumped from 71 to 105! Woohoo

Medications I am on: 4 progesterone pesseries a day; however after the last blood tests I can drop it down to 3 a day.

Side effects of the meds: hard to say but it is defiantly making me bloated, gassy and is playing havoc on my bowels. Gross!

Pregnancy symptoms: tiredness and lethargy, if I am not eating I have an uneasy queasiness continually, bloating, little twinges, headaches, extremely vivid dreams, sometimes nice dreams but mostly weird nightmares. Loo breaks 2-3 times a night. Citrus cravings and food aversions such as chocolate, caffeine, and sometimes just anything! I need regular small meals as apparently cant scoff down my usual hearty amount.

Weight: Unsure, I defiantly put weight on during the IVF cycle, and now I think I am just seriously un-toned, but likely put a bit on tooL. DH has put me on a strict limited exercise regime until we get the scan. Also I feel too tired anyway.

What’s next? Bloods on Tuesday 20th, and then a scan on 22nd. I have refused a scan until this point. It is my choice when we have a scan really, and as long as my bloods indicate everything is fine I don’t really think there is a problem with waiting. My clinic were good, they didn’t force it but suggested it happen soon. So by next Thursday we will be about 7 ½ to 8 ½ weeks so we should get an accurate measure and heart beat (fingers crossed). I am trying to not be demanding, I just don’t want unnecessary tests. I feel that me and bunny have been thru enough and should just be left to have a nice happy, safe pregnancy. I do realise it is important to have scans and tests, but I want the minimum if possible. Also my acupuncturist agrees as she was concerned scanning at 6 weeks would firstly cause unnecessary stress if we didn’t see a heartbeat yet, and also vibrations from the ultrasound this early is not healthy or needed. I don’t want to increase the risks of MC if it can be avoided.

 

How is DH: DH is very happy, we has started talking to bunny and likes to kiss my belly. It’s totally cute. Also something that I am finding just so adorable is that he has started to thank me. Sounds odd I know, but when he leaves for work for example he will give me a kiss and say thanks for looking after Bunny. I like this.

Who knows: My mum, aunty and uncle as they are our support team, also my best friend, she is an amazing support and as she has just had a bub it’s nice to get a fresh perspective. Also my boss at work knows, I work independently but do have to report to the NUM at this clinic, as she had to ok the several days off. I can’t even explain how grateful I am to this woman. Nurse mangers in my experience are bitter and twisted old bags who hate all. But this one and in fairness my previous NUM are both exceptional managers and I am forever thankful for their support. My current boss checks in with me nearly daily and is always able to calm my nerves. Perhaps it’s because all 4 of her kids are IVF miracles? Both DH and I are keen to tell his immediate family and my close girlfriends, and we will, but first we want a strong heartbeat next week.

 

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already.

How do you look beyond the cloud?

 

 

How do you do it?

 

 

I am currently trying to learn how to live each day normally? I realise this sounds very odd, so let me explain.

Ladies or couples going thru IVF and infertility have a cloud hanging over their heads every second of the day. Do you remember in university the feeling of weight or a dark cloud that sat upon your shoulders all semester and was only lifted after your final exam? Imagine that feeling amplified by the single fact that you aren’t worried about an assignment or your next mark, you are worried if the life you have just created is still in fact a life.

I will not digress into when is a life considered a life, I happen to be pro-choice. However, if I was to find out the little life created recently in a petri dish, in a lab, with the one selective sperm they were able to find that looked perfect, and with the most mature and healthy egg I produced was over, I would be devastated. That 8 cell emby that they popped into me only a few weeks ago is my baby, it is our baby, it is a life with the help of our Dr’s and clinic and lab tech and all the supportive people who we have told have helped create.

So how do you live with this weight upon your shoulders? My husband recently said he was proud of me for not, as he put it’ “losing my shit” during this time. It made me think, “How am I not losing my shit?” My gen Y, OCD, perfectionist personality doesn’t usually cope in these circumstances. My usual coping mechanism consists of, full flung meltdown mode, break everything and everyone in my path and then rapidly put an action plan in place to gain all control back. But, when it comes to this, it is out of my control. I can eat healthy, I can do limited exercise, I can google my little heart out, I can try and get more sleep but nothing can be done to force my HCG levels up. Nothing can be done to ensure the life is still living.

Last week I had a blood test of Tuesday that showed a massive jump 318 to 1700 HCG. The nurses at the clinic were very happy and everything was calm. I then had a repeat test on Thursday, expecting my levels to continue to double I was shocked when they had only gone up by 1000. 1700 to 2700. The nurses didn’t seem too concerned and stated that levels do slow but they wanted to see me in a week for a repeat test anyway. I was nervous, I had serious pain on the Wednesday night (see previous blog) I want my levels to be thru the roof, I want them to be higher than expected every time! Going back to my Gen Y personality, I want everything now and want it to be perfect.   I didn’t get this result and to make matters worse my one or two symptoms I did have DISAPEARED two days later! That’s two days now with nothing!

Time line:

Twinges and cramps regularly since day 15 post transfer

  • Twinges and sensitive bbs not constant but regular
  • Sharp pain (assumed MC) last Wednesday approx. day 22 post transfer
  • Bloods only go up by a thousand between Tuesday and Thursday (pain Wednesday)
  • CUE FREAK OUT!
  • Sunday/Monday this week, bbs stop hurting, one or two little twinges nothing much!
  • CUE SECOND FREAK OUT
  • Queasiness yesterday and today- I assumed it was anxiety
  • Bloods booked for Thursday 8th,
  • Can’t wait! MUST GET BLOODS NOW! (OCD) Tuesday!

 

Bloods back this afternoon and I am very thankful for the clinic calling as soon as they got the results in rather than waiting until later and making me fight with the other 100 women and reception trying to get results.

        HCG 10’000

 

The life still lives!

Now, how to live until the next blood test in a week?

 

Please stay to play little Bunny, we love you already

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